I think im going to throw up on grandma
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
