so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
