Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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