I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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