I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
