just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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