my phone needs a breathalizer
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize