Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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