You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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