so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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