My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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