just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have post one night stand depression
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