We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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