Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Pooping to opera.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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