i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize