I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
