Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
