At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
