In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
