I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
