I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
