he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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