This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
PANTIES FOUND
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
