i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
