Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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