I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
