I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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