apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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