It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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