his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
