i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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