Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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