Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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