I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
