just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
