mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
