Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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