ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
