Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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