I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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