She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
