Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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