...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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