Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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