Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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