mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize