My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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