ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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