Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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