So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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