Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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