I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
