I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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