Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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