This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
